Paul MatthewSome tips from a Pluralistic Psychotherapist
Communication is the cornerstone of any relationship. Failures in communication can cause ruptures in relationships, which, over time, can cause relationships to crumble. I have found myself caught in the many pitfalls of communication; sometimes by my doing, sometimes by others’ doing.
I often talk about communication in therapy sessions. Practice, communication and patience can turn a difficult conversation into a loving moment.
I have constructed this based on 2-person monogamous relationships. However, it can be extrapolated into ethical non monogamous relationships, polyamorous relationships or beyond romantic into friendships and work relationships.
Take Time Out to talk
A question I ask, a lot, in therapy sessions is “When was the last time you spent some time together just the two of you?”. I was honestly shocked when I first started seeing clients, how often the client doesn’t have an answer for me. One or both of them just doesn’t make the time for the relationship but expects it to magically work.
Another big factor is kids. Couples assume that if they spend time together ‘with the kids’, that constitutes spending time together. Holidays with the kids, meals out with the kids, sunny afternoons with the kids. That’s all wonderful but it is important in all of that to consider your partners feelings. While it is equally important to get time alone, it is important to get time together.
A secondary tip within a tip is consider the above as a routine. If you plan regular time together it will become an unmissable activity. You will have the opportunity to communicate regularly which means there is much less space for miscommunication.
Put away the phones and plan something together
In today’s world it is so easy to get caught up in what’s going on in the world on our phones. Whether it’s social media, messages from others, work. It can draw our attention away from what is important. Similarly some find it difficult to stick to just sitting down together to talk. If this is the case, consider a (mostly) phones free activity. Go on a date, for a walk, a meal or do an activity. Two rules: 1. phone time can only be for navigation or booking/ paying and 2. Have a few topics on hand that you wished to communicate about. Fun and forward progress can come in equal measure.
Set your goals together
Metacommunication is a cornerstone of my therapy training (pluralisticpractice.com/), it is important as therapists to align ourselves with the client regularly. This can often be a simple question, such as, asking if a therapeutic intervention was helpful. It encourages honesty and (on behalf of the therapist) adjustment to suit the needs of the client.
This works with any relationship. It isn’t needy to ask your partner if something you plan on doing works for them. It’s about more than just consent, it’s about respect. Let’s use an example, let’s say you want to change the rug in the living-room and you see a really nice one. Now you may be the one that makes creative decisions in the house but bringing your partner in on the decision (or at least how you communicate the decision) can make your partner feel like part of a partnership. i.e. there’s a difference between saying “I bought this new rug” to “I bought this new rug, do you like it, we can always return it if we don’t both like it”.
That was a silly example and of course there will be many times where you can make an informed decision but what if it’s something bigger? How often do you and your partner meet up to discuss bigger life goals? I’m not saying you should have a ten-year plan but it’s useful if you know if your goals align or if they can align. Compromise is key.
Try to be Honest and Respectful
Make it about ‘I’ not ‘You’.
It can be easy, especially after a disagreement to play the blame game. “You did this” or “you didn’t do this”. For every forgotten task is someone who set the task and is exasperated and someone who either misunderstood the importance of the task or was in much need of a rest. It’s important to keep things proportional especially in your reactions. On the other hand, it’s important to consider the feelings of the person who wished the task to be completed.
So, when the inevitable miscommunication happens, try to use I statements. Example: “When you don’t take the bins out, It makes me feel unheard and frustrated”. In therapy we call these “I” statements.
Consider the root of the issue, sit down and talk about things calmly and if that can’t be done, please take a break and agree on a time that you will talk about the issue.
Some conversations are evolving, complicated things and need to be had regularly. It’s important to check in and be patient.
Stay in the present
If you regularly find that in discussions with your partner you are reminded of, or they are reminded of past issues and feel the need to bring it up. Consider your motivations. Conversations in relationships are not matches to be won or lost. If you feel the past issue is important enough to discuss, give it it’s own time and space, separate from other things to discuss.
Consider therapy
Individual relationship therapy can be beneficial to everyone. Especially if you are feeling frustrated or stuck. Also consider couples therapy. There are a lot of options and it isn’t always sensible to wait until things feel doomed to seek support. Therapy isn’t designed as a last case scenario, it is a tool to aid you move forward in life.
When considering individual or couples therapy consider the root of your issues. Both is always an option.
Thanks for reading!
Paul Matthew
MA, MSc, MBACP (Accred)
Director
Harmony Counselling and Psychotherapy
